This isn't a good time to construct a post. I just found the cat's vomit strewn upon the very seat I decided to sit on, on the couch in my room, in my parent's basement, which is in a frightening condition since I began rearranging my furniture days ago, since I began, processing all the items I claim to own, which I do nearly every moment of my waking life. I sat down at the couch while I had been located on the floor editing a music video I've been editing for weeks, when maybe a few hours before that I was building the lists, I was stealing also called studying, to build new things which come at me all the time.
If I was told an invaluable meaning, and if I was told it a thousand times, I would not remember, I would not even recognize what I've been told, in fact if I ever happened upon the evidence which demonstrates that a pure truth has actually been revealed to me in my lifetime, I would still manage to react as though it is my first time finally understanding + resolving + completing something of a grand importance - and then it would immediately be replaced by something else. Something else might be exactly the same once again - but my intake makes no distinctions.
This is not my journal, I would never write such sluggish bull to myself in my privacy. This isn't a professional environment either. It's just that I have opened conversations that are waiting to hear back from me with deliberation. I have open obligations to thoughts I have already started sewing together, some left to age, and others which are finally considered waste. I cannot think of a word to describe this experience aside from "practice".
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I hesitate to talk about how the expectations and prejudices of the social realm have confused my personal visions. The very avenues which promise to deliver one to the doorstep of their pride (the seat of the personality) are ideologically encoded to do little besides validate the fears of the crowd. And even if I have conquered this realisation in my heart, I struggle against it with my mind. We are usually led away from who we know ourselves to be, distracted by the property of language, when our vision, meaning our total ability to understand, dominates a plane of innumerable dimension. In states of reflection, I see the urgency to take responsibility for your character in the very moment that you live. I have referred to this years ago as well as the need for us to apologise and to discern the actions of one another through a self-reproachful disposition. We all have been wrong, and understand what it is like to be wrong from the very moment that we begin to live, as we are the subject of hostilities guised as the demands, conventions, and playbook of our social matrix.
We all are culpable of acting, and forcing one another to act, in ways that are ultimately inauthentic and even disagreeable, but which become obligatory for the individual whether he wants to be this way or not. Now I recognize this through forecasted concerns of "Manners" "Brevity" and "Quality of Spending". I don't wish to provide directions about how these concepts can be applied. But if we are coming to a conclusion frequently: that life experience day to day and year after year features the attempt to cope with who we believe ourselves to be, and as well to harmonize conflating information begging at us from within (personal authority) and without (social guidance) to define something that is not achieved in language, we can find a way to incorporate these attributes into our codex.
These things float in my head, due in part to the stimulating words of friends who reveal similar concerns, and as well due to their pre-existence in my mind from years ago. I had a friend recently relate to me a piece of writing concerning psychiatric language in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, a publication which intends to be a tool to communicate to the widest audience, or in a "common language and criteria", the classification of mental disorders. The piece of writing takes up a Marxist theory of psychiatry, which has an interest and gravity all its own in revealing that discourse on mental illness in the DSM increasingly relates to, and references, constraints of work-life and productivity. But, I was most interested in how this person weaved a timeless argument into their findings: although a medical book seeks to use a neutral language, the language remains to be "framed by prevailing norms and values of the social order". My response to this delightful idea is, I do feel held back by verbal remedy straddled by ideology within, but especially beyond, the medical or psychiatric pursuits.
In daily life, any information that wants to present itself as "the bottom line" can be done so with little to no effort. A cumulative suggestion, tone, attitude, even the very fact that something is made socially permissible by making an appearance in the public realm can readily trick the psychic atmosphere into believing in the worth of its existence. (It's funny that this should be the case since we live in an empirical time, and it seems so much more is demanded as proof of concept for any idea to take flight - but on another day we can examine the blown up bag of "evidence".)
This topic of a confluence between what you understand about yourself and what the outside world has you understand about yourself based on the social life you are more or less forced to compete in begins to undress many obstacles we are facing as modern people, such as the saturation of our physical senses in any present moment, our psychic relationship with technology, the aims of the geopolitical atmosphere presently taking shape, and other relevant symptoms - and in effect we are recognizing all of this, but I'm giving a local anesthetic here, I'll keep to local examples. What we come to know as "The ruling principles of the day" are the metrics we take for solid ground in any day to day conversation. The way your locality speaks to you about the manner which you direct your life cannot form the complete picture to what is actually possible for you on a personal level. In spite of all good intentions of the family unit, or the fashions of your city, the pathologies of your communities can only address your needs in the way they have all come to be comfortable with - and what the group might be comfortable with is not to begin from a particularly broad or far-reaching vantage point. In the larger discourses as well about more substantial, usually empirically gathered topics and phenomena in the world, (science, politics, religion), we can only come to these discussions and decision-making thresholds with whatever knowledge arms and equips us as a total populace to the very minute. There is no telling what might be available to us, though, a minute after.
So there's a couple things hanging about here. I had another friend who again urged this topic into me simply by talking about her misplaced feelings in a social setting, where someone was speaking as an authority and earns a living in a specialization she understands herself to be proficient in. As far as I understood she seemed to feel slighted or that she had to put on airs in some way, which she recognized to be unusual. This common interaction over knowledge can make people reactive in ways they might not understand. I feel in that moment my friend is experiencing the effects of her communities' obstruction of the idea, that she does not need any formally, that is to say, socially endowed merit in this specialization to be considered an authority as well. That her earned knowledge and practice of the material is enough has not been recognized - re/cognized meaning Brought Into Cognition - and I think the money earning aspect of the premise would be considered a formal acknowledgement of the difference between "novice" and "experienced", especially where freelancing or self employment is concerned, but this is a social illusion. It is funny that a matter as common as knowledge socially and verbally endures many labyrinths, drapes in codes, in order to be hopefully interpreted as creditable, when what we have remaining most often after the institutional mental laundering is a bloody, seeping patched-up job forever known as the standard.
Anyway best of luck to you all with your MANNERS going forward. Because At last to talk about ownership of your life forms a stroke in the tableau of my belief system, whereby memory, self-concept, and personal duty are major focuses. I am certain and through great fortune I will talk about it more.
When we as a species go somewhere we have already been, we are still doing something we have never done before. This inversion is how I interpret the changes that have been happening to the human psychic atmosphere as this millennium has begun to take shape. I am unquiet about the glory it is to live in our own "awakening twenties". I know the pain and luster which architected the turn of the 20th century, and I see the things that I am able to experience at this present time. All that I could claim to be of value comes down to "remembering".
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